Done with school. Yes, I graduated. Two years over with.
I'm living in Atascadero now with my boyfriend Devin. I've been out of school going on 3 weeks and have not been able to find work. This has been killing me, and applying for jobs have been my 20 hour a week job in itself.
I've been cast in the Central Coast Shakespeare Festival. Their shows this year are A Midsummer Night's Dream, and Treasure Island. Rehearsals are fun. It's a very different experience from PCPA. Refreshing in some ways, weird and pointless in other ways. Most of the people are nice and seem to like me- which is a change. I'm used to being the pushed away and forgotten one over the past two years. Now it seems at least in this that I am back to being appreciated.
Otherwise I've not been able to renew friendships here much. I've seen a few old acting buddies but haven't gotten to or don't really want to hang out with them again. Our differences in age and maturity and what we know shows too much now. I always love my friend Ayrton and really want to keep in touch with him. We are really going to try to get together this summer, which hasn't happened before. We've never really actually hung out outside of theater. I'd like to continue to keep in touch with Sadie as well because she's very sweet and talented and I'm so excited to see where this world is goin gto take her. And Gloria just had her 18th birthday to my great surprise! She's another I would like to stay in touch with. Now that I'm back, Rebekah is going off to college...
Ellen K.- Are you still in your newish house in that one place? We need to hang out. I'm back for good (meaning a couple years), so there's no reason for us to not become grand friends again and get together more.
Plus, I have a car! Yes, it is a black (for now) VW bug and I love her to death. Her name is Carsina. Because. Just because.

What else to say?

I've been making Devin watch Veronica Mars with me.
I watched the first two seasons of 30 Rock online.
Watched Lost online.
I'm applying for Food Stamps and Medi-cal tomorrow. I have an interview at the gastly hour of 8:00 AM, which can last up to three hours.
If I'm getting up that early (and it's not for a job), I better get something for it! It'll be poo if they deny me everything. By all means I should get something because I have no income and I've been trying like crazy to get a job but no one is hiring. But I have the sinking feeling that because I'm not pregnant or have a child or some kind of disability or have a parent that is blind or something, my case is going to be denyed. All I want is $100 a month for food... I've been feeling really down because Devin is being so good to me and covering all my expenses here. We've talked about it a bunch and he doesn't mind (He's working on a job right now where he gets $20 or more/hr) but I still feel like a bum. At least if I get this little bit of money for food it'll be something. (Even if I get it for free.)
And of course Medi-cal would be amazing so I can go to the dentist finally. My teeth are aquiring their usual stains and I need to get them scraped off. (Some stupid alge in my mouth that is unpreventable.) And I'm sure they will find a million cavities they need to fill as always. Ugh. I seriously hate my teeth. I just want to be rich already so I can fix everything.
I would be such a good rich person...
I'm also going to Santa Maria tomorrow to hang out with my good friend Erika and go to a resturant supply store to buy some serving plates to spin. Circus tricks...
All I can think of right now. I miss you guys. This doesn't mean I'll be on here all the time like before, but I do miss you. Love.

No Les Mis casting for me.
Seeing the cast list was very upsetting and discouraging, and when I was doubting myself already, this did not come at a very good time.
Well, a couple months to go and I'm done here. I don't know that I'm going to try to overacheive here anymore because the whole reason for me doing it was to be cast, but now there's no more chance of me BEING cast, why work my ass off? I'm still going to do all the work for myself, but yeah. I'll do my best, but for me and not for them.

Yeah, that's right. Devin was like "I want to go see my family in Utah", and sure enough, a few days later we hopped in the car at 3:00 AM to drive all the way here. We stopped in Las Vegas to look around for a minute. I can't go into the Casinos of course because of my poopy age, but there's other stuff. When we head back we're gonna see if we can take some more time there and maybe see a couple free shows. I wish I could see Phantom there... it's playing. I don't get any cell service where his family lives, way out there, and that kinda sucks, but at least I have my compy. :P There's snow everywhere, including really soft stuff on the top that is really nice... but still rather cold.  Whenever I go to the snow, I'm always amazed at how warm it is. But when we check the thermomiter, it's pretty cold. I think my body just expects it to be colder because of the snow, but in reality, it's not. *Shrugs*

Well, Christmas was lovely. Me, Devin, mom, dad, Mike, his girl, Tim, Beth, Bryan, and my G-ma and my aunt Teresa. A lot of fun.

When I get back, rehearsals start. *Squee!*

Right now, I'm in San Diego with my boyfriend Devin, and I'm going to Sea World today!!! AK! In like an hour! YAY!

We're going to Balboa Park tomorrow to go to some museums, and then Wednesday we'll do tourist things and then go see the play Xannadu that night! AK! So excited! Then we're going to DISNEYLAND on Thursday!!

What an amazing week this is going to be... Is. LOL!

I watched Twilight the night it came out. Don't kill me, but I liked it better than the book. Maybe I just wasn't into it at the time I read it, but yeah. :) I did really like the movie.

Don't you hate it how being sick puts you into a whole different mindset?
I got sick a couple days ago.
On Monday I was house-ridden. Mostly just in bed all day sleeping and watching Veronica Mars. (By the way Bobbi- did you know that Veronica Mars was shot just a few hours away from where I live, and that at a couple points they are in San Luis Obispo, which is half hour away from me? lol. Just wanted to share that.) Last night I finished the second season of the show by the way.
Getting back on subject- yesterday were the auditions for White Christmas. I thought I did a great job- probably my best audition yet even though I was sick. But no callback did I receive. I figured that pretty much the only thing they would want to see me again for would be dancing, and they already know I'm not so good at that so they didn't need to see me. I thought that until I heard about a couple people in my class who DID get callbacks who are not as good as me whatsoever.
They say not to be insulted if you don't get a callback or get cast- that it's not a reflection on your acting or your skills but that you're just not what they're looking for. But what happens when you're NEVER what they're looking for?
I'd rather people not know this and that you guys would go on thinking I'm the best, but I have not gotten a single callback since I started here. How is that for a refection on my acting?
But you know what? I AM good. I am a great actor. I get good grades in everything and I try super hard. So it frustrates me to no end when nothing comes of it.
It's not about White Christmas. Truth be told- I don't even want IN White Christmas. I just want to be told by the people who matter that I have some kind of a future. A future being in acting of course.
I thought this year would be different. I thought all us second years would at least get a callback.
I was wrong.

Well you know what?
I'm gonna kick some extra ass in classes this semester.
I WILL get into Midsummer.

Do strech marks ever go away?
I got a few on my legs years ago, and now they are just clear, but are still there. If they haven't left in the years since I got them- will they ever?

Can tattoos rub off when they're new?
When I put the healing cream I'm supposed to on my tat, if I'm sitting and my leg presses against it, sometimes the color comes off a little and gets on my leg. Is this taking away from the real thing? I can't do too much to protect it in the place it's in unless I'm at home when I can wear (or not wear) something that won't brush or press against it.
The skin has lifted and scabbed on said colored skin, and feels quite interesting to the touch. Of course touching it comes with a price- pain. lol. It is sensitive to touch right now- not too much if it's pants pressing against it, but if I lean against something there or if I press a little on it with my fingers or hand- yes, it hurts. I can't help but touch it though. Especially the heart. It bumps out so much. Seriously- if you had a scabby bump in the shape of a heart, tell me you wouldn't want to feel it all the time. LOL!

What's the weight you'd like to be?
I've lost at least 10 pounds. It's probably more like 15 or 20 by now, but as of like three or more weeks ago, I had lost 10 pounds since starting working at Dennys. Working the night shift has me working or sleeping at the times when I would be eating. No I don't eat the healthiest, but I try to eat a lot of fruit. Losing this weight has me very excited. I feel so good about myself. My mom has even complemented me a few times- and that doesn't happen very often. Makes me feel great.

What makes you feel beautiful?
I was looking over my past blogs the other day, and I came across one I wrote over a year ago saying how I didn't think I was pretty.
I don't know what happened, but right now, I think I'm beautiful. That might be shallow or concieted for me to say, but I don't care right now because I'm saying whatever I want in this blog. It's not like anyone reads these anyways. Well, I know a couple people who do.
Anyways, yes, I do think I'm attractive. It probably has to do with my FINALLY losing the weight I've been saying I was going to lose for the past YEARS. Also it probably has to do with the stupid attention I've been getting waitressing. Ok some of it's not stupid. lol. I mean, there are some fun guys I like to joke with who come into the resturant, but there's a bunch of men who stare and flirt and are just plain creepy. Anyways, besides that, guys seem to like me now, which has happened before, just not with this intensity. Except for right before I started going out with my ex... Eh, I don't think even that matches right now.

What's something crazy you want to do?
My ex breaking up with me changed my life. In some ways for the better. In some ways, just crazy. In other ways, probably for the worse.
I want to do crazy things now.
I feel like I've gone through the most pain I could ever, (emotionally crossed over into physically), so it's like I can do anything even if it hurts because it won't hurt as much as what I've already gone through.
I suppose that's why I wasn't afraid to get my tattoo. The pain didn't intimidate me as much as it did before.
Getting a tattoo is something I would never have done before.
Drinking is something I never really would have done before. Without him at least.
I've changed.
The funny thing is that before the break-up, I always thought that the pain that came with break-ups couldn't be that bad. Well, before the whole fiasco with Jer at least- and that wasn't even a break up.
I used to think "what the heck. They're making such a big deal over it." when a high school girl in the movies would get broken up with and would stay in bed for days crying. Ha. Yeah, I went to school after it happened. Of course I would start crying THERE each day. It all made sense after that. Of course I selfishly still have those doubts that every girl has after a break up that it hurt MORE for ME because it meant more to me than it ever could have for them. That because we were practally engaged it hurt more. Come on, just think of people who get divorced. Not every couple who gets divorced, but those who have been married for years and then one of them falls out of love while the other is still crazily in love with the other. They know the pain. They know it worse than me. And yet I can't imagine worse than I've had.
Anyways, the pain isn't too strong anymore.
I just know I can't have any other serious emotional relationships for quite some time. When will I be emotionally available again? Who knows. I'm dating someone named Alex right now and I like him a lot. But the sad thing is we know it's going to end. He's joining the Coast Guard and I'm going back to SM. Living in the moment, huh?

Do you think you could last in a long-distance relationship?
I don't want to see anyone during school. It's doomed for failure. I have no clue where I'm moving afterwards, but it'll probably be somewhere random, and no guy will be like "ok, why not. I'll go with you wherever you go".

How do you do by yourself?
On the subject of moving somewhere random, I'm a little scared, thinking about it. It looks like I'll be moving somewhere by myself, trying to make it. Talk about a new start. But by myself? A new (maybe STATE) with no friends, no family, no one I know at all? One of my best friends, Christine, asked me to think about moving with her to New York next year or the year after. I would love to. But is New York really for me? It seems too expensive for someone with my abilities to be worth it. Everyone in New York is an actor or a writer. I'm not saying I'll have more of a chance anywhere else, but I'm saying that maybe it'll be less expensive somewhere else. But then there's the alone thing.

The questions at the start of each topic I put up weren't made up by someone else, but were rather headers for each one, made by me. Hey, if you want to, you can use them yourself and answer them in a blog or even in a comment to this one.

I should probably go to bed now.